mel!!

COOLGAL805 (4:42:21 PM): dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani dani

0o0o0o0o

Tamidbsmcha (4:59:23 PM): and then when do you depart for the holy land?
DynamiteDG (4:59:28 PM): the 3oth
DynamiteDG (5:00:00 PM): haha...30th
DynamiteDG (5:00:07 PM): the 0 and the o shouldnt be right on top of each other

the NEW 'only simchas'

DynamiteDG: so whos ur main squeeze lately?
rikki713: u mean my bf?
DynamiteDG: yarikki713: im going out w/ josh
DynamiteDG: josh who?
rikki713: montell
DynamiteDG: cool
DynamiteDG: news to me
rikki713: 2 weeks
DynamiteDG: kiddush, kiddush
rikki713: thank u thank u

what language?

rikki713: por que?
DynamiteDG: sorry i dont speak russian
rikki713: me neither
DynamiteDG: good

dingleweed

HEADFALCON: hello im such a moron
DynamiteDG: ok
HEADFALCON: oh ure not supposed to agree with me

comedy central

DynamiteDG: A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"
rikki713: lol!
DynamiteDG: A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

rikki713: lol
DynamiteDG: Becky was on her death bed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"


rikki713: hahaha
DynamiteDG: On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

rikki713: omg
DynamiteDG: A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

rikki713: lol
DynamiteDG: An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail. So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.
rikki713: hahaha
DynamiteDG: Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
DynamiteDG: A husband, wife and son are barely making ends meet on their farm. One morning the woman sees the family's only cow lying dead in the field and hangs herself in desperation. When the man awakens, he sees his wife and cow dead and shoots himself. The son finds his parents dead and goes to drown himself, only to discover a mermaid at the river. The mermaid tells him, "If you have sex with me 10 times in a row, I will revive your parents and the cow." "Why not 20?" replies the son. "Fine," she says. "Twenty it is." "But wait," says the boy. "How do I know that 20 times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
DynamiteDG: Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”

DynamiteDG: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what he wants.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

duh!

DynamiteDG: i think i asked u this
DynamiteDG: but have u ever heard the yeshiva boys choir cd?
JLSilver9: yup i own it lol
DynamiteDG: did i ask u?
JLSilver9: don't remember
DynamiteDG: lol ok
DynamiteDG: its sooo good
JLSilver9: ya i love it
DynamiteDG: i just got it this past week
JLSilver9: ohhh lol
DynamiteDG: adom olam is the best song
JLSilver9: which # is that?
DynamiteDG: the one that start with adom olan
DynamiteDG: lol i think so
JLSilver9: um ok... lol

self torture

JLSilver9: lol, aright i g2g continue torturing myself... i'll ttyl
DynamiteDG: packing?
DynamiteDG: or chains and whips?
JLSilver9: packing but it's all the same to me at this point lol
DynamiteDG: aaalrighty then
DynamiteDG: enjoy

under construction

DynamiteDG (1:12:02 PM): so ya know how were doin construction on our house?
DovGail (1:12:07 PM): yepp
DynamiteDG (1:12:24 PM): so were getting new windows in the bedrooms upstairs...so mine was the first one done
DynamiteDG (1:12:31 PM): i have 2 HUGE holes in my walls!
DovGail (1:12:31 PM): yea!!
DynamiteDG (1:12:35 PM): its soo cool
DovGail (1:12:39 PM): lol thats awesome!!
DynamiteDG (1:12:59 PM): i wanna leave it open and put a slide going outside so its easier to get down
DovGail (1:13:09 PM): lol yea just jump
DynamiteDG (1:13:23 PM): ill break my ankle silly!
DovGail (1:13:25 PM): thats aweonse!!
DovGail (1:13:31 PM): lol yea that wont be smart!!
DovGail (1:13:34 PM): get a ladder!!
DovGail (1:13:40 PM): that would be sick!!!!!
DynamiteDG (1:13:43 PM): a slide would be much cooler
DovGail (1:13:49 PM): or like a swinging rope
DovGail (1:13:55 PM): yea a slide would be awesome!!

50 ways--thanks Jen

50 Ways to Fail an Exam
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming" Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB.BABE.etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out, "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say, "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase, "Told you so."
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks."